The Bangalore Times supplement reminded me that today (19th June) was Father’s Day. I still cannot recall that which thought came first to my mind. Was it a son thinking about his father? Or was it as a father thinking about his children spending their vacations 2000 km away in Kolkata.
However, whichever came first, my thoughts finally went to my father.
Maybe it was the airport setting which helped me go back to a time when my father and I were waiting for the flight at the new Platinum Lounge in Mumbai Airport in Feb 2008 end. We had come to the airport after getting Papa discharged from Jaslok Hospital. Dr.Advani had given the grim report about the cancer which starting from the kidneys spread to his lungs followed by his liver, had finally invaded the brain. Papa’s 3 year old war with Cancer had entered the last stages and Dr.Advani’s prognosis (told to me only) indicated a last battle with Radiation was only an option to go down fighting in a war where the result was a foregone conclusion.
The battlefield for the last battle was fixed at Artemis Hospital in Gurgaon. My mind was preoccupied with the thought of the days ahead. I was afraid to lose my father and yet I was afraid to see him suffer. Papa needed to go back to Bangalore to collect his stuff from my younger brother, Gautam’s place so I booked 2 flight tickets. One , Mumbai to Bangalore for Papa in the afternoon and the other , Mumbai to Delhi, for me. I do not remember the exact time of the flights, but I recall that both were afternoon flights and that, my flight was scheduled to depart 10 minutes before Papa’s. I had deliberately booked the afternoon flights to accommodate the discharge formalities at Jaslok Hospital.
Reaching Mumbai airport in plenty of time, we found that not one, but both the flights were delayed by one and a half hours.
There were 3 things which were unusual.
One, these were afternoon flights which were not plagued by air traffic congestion delays unlike the morning and evening flights.
Two, both were Jet Airways flights which were known for their punctuality…Then.
Three, only these 2 flights were delayed and that too by the same time. One and a half hours each.
Using my then Platinum Membership, Papa and I went to the lounge. We filled a plate of the complimentary snacks, sat down in a comfortable table for two and settled down for a two and a half hour wait. The discussion started off with the opulence of the Platinum lounge. It was Papa’s first visit to such a lounge. During his days of frequent air travel as a senior tyre company executive, the monopoly of Indian Airlines ensured this service unimaginable.
The discussion then veered to the profusion of technology used by the executives. The corporate executive working on the next table on his PowerPoint presentation prompted me to ask Papa as to whether he had made presentations and if so then what tools had he used. Papa informed me that before the advent on computers all graphs was made manually on flip charts. My father being a Civil Engineer had a natural flair in making neat charts which were much appreciated by his bosses.
From this the talk turned to his career where, Papa reflected on the different stages of his career. The good phases and the bad ones. His triumphs and his failures. Though I had heard him speak about his career in the past, the reflective tone used now was something I never heard before. It was as if he knew his end was approaching. I was quiet and I just let him speak. He spoke about my mother and their marriage. He spoke about the contribution my mother made into making the marriage work and raising 2 fine sons. His love for my mother was evident in his voice. Suddenly there was a silence. Guess each of us were thinking about what life would throw next…when he suddenly looked at me and said that he remembered the day I was born. He was posted in Bombay and I was born in MP.It was only after a week he could get leave and then he travelled by buses and trains to see his new born son. “You were this small when I saw you and held you.” He said.
I remember my eyes becoming misty. I had never heard him speak like this. We spoke more after that till our respective flights were announced. With an uncharacteristic reluctance we got up. I helped Papa down the stairs as I was afraid that he might stumble. I had to board first, so I made him sit down in a chair near the boarding gate and touched his feet. He hugged me. I told him that I would expect him in Delhi within 3-4 days and fix an appointment with the Chief Radiologist of Artemis Hospital. I informed a Jet Airways official to personally help my father to board the flight. He promised to do so. I moved towards the boarding gate turned back to look at Papa, He was looking so alone and yet so brave, fighting a lonely losing battle. He caught me looking at him and he smiled and waved good bye… I waved back and boarded the bus.
That was the last time I saw him alive. 4 days later a weakened blood vessel burst in his brain and he lapsed into a coma for 60 days before he passed away in Bangalore without regaining consciousness.
It’s been 3 years since he passed away. I would like to think he passed away without feeling the pain of the last stages of cancer. I know he passed away satisfied that he had fulfilled all his duties as a son, husband, brother, uncle, boss, subordinate and …a father.
And though Papa, used to call my brother and I, Mummy’s pets, we were his pets too. His influence in our upbringing was realized by us as we grew older.
I know my brother and I are fortunate that we had our father till we were grown men with families of our own. At the same time there can be many regrets of what all, my father has missed after he passed away. But life is like an endless highway , we all have to take the exit one day or another ; marveling at what we have seen so far and wondering what we could be missing ahead.
But there is one regret which I will always have. In my 37 years of being with my father, I had never told him that I loved him. He knew, of course. But I wish I had told him. Once would have been enough.
So today as Father’s day draws to a close; I just want to say ‘Thank you for everything, Papa. I love you’
